Remember!! Note to self….. I am SO much more than what Ihave done to date and what I haven’t achieved yet!!

Next March I am going to be fifty IF I am lucky enough to make it there! Until just now I must confess I have been dreading it. …..age is a weird thing don’t you think?

I can remember being at junior school and being invited to a friend’s house for tea after school one day.  A common practice among bestest friends and a great honour indeed……huge kudos to be invited in tge first place, even greater Kodos be collected at the school gates by your friend’s Mum and walk or drive home with your friend.

I LOVED it so much! The voyeur in me even then was being fostered and grown by going on those visits, seeing other houses, experiencing different taste’s and smells and using them all to form my own preferences moving forward as me.

One of these visits to a friend, product of a remarried father and MUCH younger newer 2nd wife, I remember how I felt when at “dinner” (we just had breakfast,dinner & tea in our house) we were all sat in their very posh house in their very beautiful dining room, eating from matching very swanky China and glasses…..being amazed that they all sat down together….ate three courses and talked all through doing so. 

Our little family never quite managed many meals except perhaps Sunday dinner (lunch to you…. )eating all at once now and then.  My father worked a continental shift`s at the nearby BP  refinery/chemical plant, my Mother worked various jobs in factories throughout my childhood my favourites included Sewing Machineist, Food preparation worker, photographic lab technician all of which meant lots of exciting bring homes ranging from fabric to film cannisters very exciting.

It was to me at least, sat at the aforementioned posh tea…..a revolation to be sat and discuss topics of common interest, one of which became my friends elder half sister’s upcoming 21st Birthday bash.  21???? that sounded SO old to me…..she was just a sister after all not a grown up with tge job of mother, father, teacher or shop keeper, so how could she be THAT old and have escaped being allocated a tag?

I remember my first proper full time job after finishing up at sixth form, DVLC Vehicle Enforcement Unit……based in Oldway Centre Swansea……I was at 19 the youngest Clerical Assistant in the 23 floor building…….everyone in my department treated me like an absolute baby and I recall being mortified by their behaviour because at 19 I felt an adult…..properly grown up, and that treatment was rejected and pouted at by me.

At 23 when I got married I was just SO grown up at least to myself anyway. And yet at 27 when I held my baby for the first time I felt SO young and ill equipped to care for her, ironic?

I think my 30th Birthday was THE most depressing Birthday to date ……it just felt so old to confess jwhen asked that I was in my thirties and no longer in my teen’s or twenties.

I have experienced my lowest lows and highest highs since being 30 and in truth come to love myself and almost accept what I am in my 40’s.

So deep breath, suck it up and own 50 I say….I fearI can only look less attractive, be less mobile but will be, only IF I let myself be more confident,creative and content?

I am strong and beautiful and sexy and amazing…..I must be…..I trust him more than anyone else and Giles tell’s me I am every day…….so I shall be!?! So there!!


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